– Darling, you are so beautiful, affectionate, and thrifty! “There won’t be sex today, I’m tired.”
– Ungrateful selfish woman! And your borscht is sour, and your ass is fat!

The husband says to his wife
– let’s have bee sex? She was delighted and said: “Will you smear me with honey and lick me tenderly?”
– No, dear, you will fly in, suck and fly away.

“They say that a good lover is the one with whom an exhausted woman immediately falls asleep after sex.”
– I must be very good! My women even fall asleep during sex!

A husband and wife were playing golf in an expensive part of town. After the third mark, the husband says: “Darling, you’re on a roll today.” please be careful. If you break someone’s window, it will cost us a pretty penny. However, the wife still managed to break the window of one of the largest houses at the sixth mark.
– I told you!!!
– the husband groaned,
– well, now we have to go apologize, and we’ll see how much it will cost us! They knocked on the door and heard a voice: “Come in.” Opening the door, they saw a mass of broken glass, among which lay a broken antique jug. A man was sitting on the sofa.
– Did you break my window? he asked. “Yes…” the husband admitted bashfully, “forgive us.” “No, no,” the man objected, “actually, I want to thank you for everything that happened.” I am a genie, and I have been sitting in this jug for many thousands of years. For the fact that you freed me, I will grant three wishes. One for you and the last one for me.
– Agree!
– exclaimed my husband,
– I want to receive a million dollars a year for the rest of my life!
– So be it!
– said the genie,
– what do you want?
– he turned to his wife.
– I want my own house in every country in the world!
– she said. “Consider it done,” answered the genie.
– What is your wish?
– the husband turned to him.
– You know, I spent thousands of years in this bottle, and I missed women. I want your wife! The husband looked at his wife and said: “Well… well… we got a lot of money, all these houses… I don’t mind.” Jin dragged his wife upstairs. After a couple of hours of frantic sex, he asked: “How old is your husband?” “35,” she barely whispered.
– And he continues to believe in genies? Incredible…

Phone sex call:
– Hello. Girl is this phone sex?
– Yes!
– Well! I don’t know… Surprise me somehow!
– I am a long-legged, busty blonde, I gently kiss you behind your ear and go lower.
– The girl is fine… But why in a whisper?
– I’m on a couple…

Summer is that time when you realize that sex is a sweaty romp, and the true thrill is scratching mosquito bites.

An SMS from one tourist from an exotic tour: “There are piranhas in the river, crocodiles on the shore. We’re lucky, we’re sitting in the trees. Everything would be fine, but monkeys really want sex.”

– Darling, maybe you can tie me up tonight?
– Oh, you just don’t have to do anything.

A man saw a sign on the door of a convent: “Sex with young nuns
– 500 USD.” He knocked, a lovely nun opened the door, accepted the money and said: “I’ll get ready for now, and please go along the corridor to the last door on the right.” The man quickly slipped to the indicated door, opened it, found himself on the street again, and the door closed behind him. He turned around and saw a sign on the door: “Today Sister Maria fucked you.”

A man comes to work and has a black eye under his eye. Friends ask where he got into something like this?
– My wife hit me…
– Why?
– And I called her YOU…
– Why don’t they hit her in the face for that? How was it?
– My wife and I are lying in bed. She says: “WE haven’t had sex for a long time.” And I answer: “Not WE, but YOU.”