In an Odessa school during the Soviet years:
– Children! There is no God! Let’s all show a fig out the window! Abrasha, why don’t you show your shit?
– If it’s not there, then who should I show it to? And if there is, why spoil your relationship with him?

Moscow. A new teacher comes into the class and introduces herself.
– Hello. My name is Maria Ivanovna. I support Spartak. Now let each of you, children, also introduce yourself.
– My name is Kolya, I support Spartak.
– My name is Masha, I support Spartak. So it comes down to the last boy.
– My name is Vovochka, I support Zenit. The teacher is indignant.
– How can you?! Why are you rooting for Zenit!?!?
– My mother is a fan of Zenit, my dad is a fan of Zenit, my friends are a fan of Zenit and I am a fan of Zenit.
– And what? And if your mom was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict, and your friends were generally fagots, what would you do then?!
– Then I would root for Spartak.

Vovochka asks her mother: “Mom, is it true that God feeds us?”
– In general, yes.
– Does the stork bring children?
– Certainly.
– Does Santa Claus give out gifts?
– Yes. “Then tell me please, why are we keeping my father?”

Cheburashka bothers Gene: “Crocodile, does a hydrogen bomb cost a lot of money?”
– Fuck off!
– Well, crocodile, how much does a hydrogen bomb cost?
– A lot! Fuck off!
– Hurray, Gena, she’s flying to our house.

Respect your parents. They graduated from school without Google or Wikipedia.

Muslim child:
– Dad, what kind of hat do you have on your head?
– This is the keffiyeh, my son. It protects us in the desert from the sultry heat.
– Dad, what are those clothes you have on top?
– This is jeleba. He protects us in the desert from the sultry heat.
– Dad, why are you wearing such terrible shoes on your feet? “These are grandmothers, they protect us in the desert from the hot sand, my son.”
– Dad, why are you wearing all this in Paris?

A Jew comes to the rabbi: “Rabbi, I already have five children, and my wife is pregnant again.” What to do, it’s impossible to live, there’s no money?!
– Well, next time, before you lie down with your wife, draw a circle on the floor, stand in it, turn around three times
– and go ahead. Time has passed. That Jew comes and says that it didn’t help, she’s pregnant again! Rabbi:
– Okay, this time draw a square, stand in it, bow four times. It should help. Well, after some time the same Jew comes and shouts that his wife is pregnant again, the rabbi is a fool and an asshole!!!
– and runs away in his hearts. The rabbi looks after him and says thoughtfully: “It’s a pity that he ran away, I still have so many ideas…

Teacher to student: “Petrov, you were an excellent student, and now you’re getting all bad grades.” They’ll keep you for a second year. If you don’t come to your senses, they’ll leave you again, and again… Petrov:
– Now everyone from the institutes is being drafted into the army. But without secondary education they don’t take you into the army.

Vovochka heard enough of how mom and dad called each other in the evening and during class he asked: “Marya Ivanovna!” Can a pig and a deer have children?
– Of course not! At dinner, he, barely holding back tears, says to his mother: “Mom, I know everything!” I was not born from my father! Father:
– Who told you that?! Vovochka:
– Marya Ivanovna! Mother, clutching her head: “What rubbish Marya Ivanovna is!” Did you find out that I had a good time with Vovochka and was gossiping to everyone?!

– Dad, is it true that adults have a larger vocabulary than children?
– Of course it’s true. After all, they read more books. “Then why do they talk so little in adult films?”